Grief is non-linear AF: How to Navigate the Sadness

Letting go of grief can feel like we're distancing ourselves from the loved one who is gone.

I'm old school when it comes to calendars. Whelp, maybe more of a mix. I love my iPhone and all of its organizing technology it has to offer, but there is something comforting about the analogue nature of a paper calendar. This is why I keep one on the wall of our kitchen where I write everyone's birthday, and other momentous occasions.

It's a ritual of mine to sit down at the beginning of every year with my brand new, handpicked calendar, to transcribe all of this information. 2025 has been Olympic National Park, a nod to my BF's 50th birthday trip in November of 2024. We had so much fun!

Sitting down with my new calendar and a pen offers me an important moment to reflect on what has stayed the same and what has changed.

As I flipped the latest page to September, I noticed that today would have been the one-year anniversary of our late dog Baxter's radiation treatment for his pituitary brain tumor. I had written that information gleefully, thinking we had beaten the damn thing, and had looked forward to celebrating that important milestone.

I didn't know that it would be a reminder of heartache and trauma.

Even with the addition of our new dog, Bingo, the loss of Baxter is still so raw.

Grief is a heavy burden to bear. Losing a person, a cherished pet, or a significant part of your life can leave you feeling lost and overwhelmed. Many don’t realize that grief isn’t straightforward; it’s a winding path filled with highs and lows.

It's non-linear AF.

Still, by cultivating awareness of your feelings, you can find a way to cope and move through it.

The Nature of Grief

Grief is a deeply personal experience, and it manifests differently for everyone. One person may feel intense sadness, while another might experience anger, confusion, or even relief.

Recognizing that all these feelings are valid is essential.

Research shows that about 40% of grieving individuals cycle through different emotional states multiple times over various periods. The common misconception that grief follows a predictable path can lead to frustration. Ultimately, you may find yourself revisiting earlier emotions, which is entirely natural.

The Stages of Grief: A Misleading Framework

The Kübler-Ross model explains five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While it can help you understand grief, this model often oversimplifies the reality. Several studies indicate that many people experience these stages simultaneously or in varying orders. Instead of feeling confined to a linear path, it's important to remember that grief is not a state, but rather, a process, and there is no one-fits-all approach for the experience.

However, by creating some awareness around our feelings, we can better navigate the highs and lows that come with the grieving process.

The Importance of Awareness

Awareness is a powerful tool in navigating grief. By acknowledging your feelings and understanding that they are part of the grieving process, you can create a space for healing. Here are some practical ways to cultivate awareness while grieving:

Journaling Your Thoughts

If you've been following me at all, you know that I'm terrible at journaling, but it's well-documented that writing down your feelings can be incredibly therapeutic. It allows you to express emotions that may be tough to articulate verbally.

Consider keeping a grief journal where you can explore your thoughts, memories, and feelings.

For example, dedicating just 5 minutes a day to jot down your emotions can help you track your emotional journey and recognize patterns in your grief.

Mindfulness and Meditation

Practicing mindfulness can help ground you in the present moment. Simple techniques such as meditating for 5-10 minutes each day or focusing on your breath can be calming.

Regular practice can create a sense of calm amid the chaos of grief.

As a practitioner of Transcendental Meditation, I find it helps me quiet the noise and intrusive thoughts - particularly the "should've, could've" dialogue that comes up when thinking about Baxter's care and what I might have done differently.

Seeking Support

If you're a pet owner, none of this is surprising, but it's been my experience that people who don't own or have never owned a pet genuinely don't "get it." I don't blame them, but it can still be hurtful when they don't take the event as seriously as you do.

Connecting with others who understand your experience can be invaluable. Whether it’s through support groups, friends, or family, sharing your feelings can help you feel less alone. A 2019 study found evidence that peer support was helpful to bereaved survivors, reducing grief symptoms and increasing well-being and personal growth.

Sometimes, knowing that others have walked a similar path can provide immense relief.

The Role of Rituals in Grieving

Rituals can significantly impact the grieving process. They provide a structured way to honor your loss and help you navigate your emotions.

Here are a few meaningful ritual ideas:

Creating a Memory Box

Gather items that remind you of your loved one—photos, letters, or cards—and place them in a memory box. This box can serve as a tangible way to keep their memory alive and provide a space for reflection.

For Baxter, we ordered a framed picture with an opening to display his collar. I like to reach out and touch the collar sometimes.

Studies have shown that interacting with physical reminders of loved ones can promote emotional healing.

Lighting a Candle

Lighting a candle in memory of your loved one can be a simple yet powerful act. It creates a moment of reflection and symbolizes the light they brought into your life.

Taking a few minutes each week to light a candle can serve as a reminder of their impact.

Annual Remembrance Days

Consider setting aside a specific day each year to honor your loved one. You could visit their favorite spot, prepare their favorite meal, or take a quiet moment to reflect on your memories together.

Engaging in such traditions can help create a meaningful annual ritual that brings you peace.

Let the Non-Linear Journey Happen

As you navigate your grief, it helps to embrace the non-linear nature of this sh*t storm.

There will be days when you feel good and days when you don’t. Allow yourself to experience whatever emotions arise, without judgment. The mantra is, "Whatever you need," as a dear friend told me when I admitted I was living on Xanax and Popeye's fried chicken for those first few days after Baxter passed.

Lately, it's the feeling of his memory slipping away from me that bothers me most. The pain you carry with you feels so acute and important, and allowing it to diminish feels almost unnatural.

Grief often helps us feel close to those we lost, and letting that grief go can feel like creating distance, like a dulling of memories.

It's complicated, and it sucks, but I remind myself that death is a part of life, and it's okay to feel confused, but allowing my grief to dissipate a little every day doesn't mean I love Baxter any less.

Finding Meaning in the Pain

I know it's SO cliche, but while grief can be excruciating, it can lead to personal growth. I know. If someone said this to me, especially in those first few days of Baxter's death, I would have said, "Go f*ck yourself." But. It's true.

As you work through your grief, think about what lessons you might learn from this experience.

How has it shifted your view of life?

Perhaps you've come to realize that family gatherings or spending time with friends are more meaningful than ever before.

I wasn't able to do this right away, but over time, I reflected on my gratitude.

I was grateful that we had pet insurance, which allowed us to provide the care Baxter deserved. I was thankful for having him for 8 years of his life, even if it didn't feel like it was long enough. I was also grateful for the experience because, although he was our first dog, he won't be our last, and death is part of the deal when you decide to have a dog or any animal. That experience would help me prepare myself for the next time.

Identifying these insights reminds me that I am resilient and that everything, whether we like it or not, is temporary, the good things but also the bad things.

Final Thoughts

Grieving is an arduous journey, and it’s not always linear. However, by cultivating awareness and understanding, you can navigate this complex emotional landscape with greater clarity.

Remember that it’s natural to experience a range of emotions, and there’s no correct way to do it. Embrace your journey, and allow yourself the space to heal. With time, support, and self-compassion, you can carry your loved one’s memory as you move forward in life.

Most importantly, remember that you are resilient, strong, and full of surprises.